1,336 Miles Later

I know it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog (over 2 years to be exact), but I’ve been pretty occupied with starting over. There’s so much to share, and I hope I can be as concise as possible! So here’s my retelling of what it took for me to leave Phoenix and make my way to Portland, Oregon. 

Those who know me from when I was living in Arizona may know that it was my time to leave. I had already planned on leaving once I reached a good stopping point with school. The desert exhausted me. I never got used to that kind of heat. 

(My first time in Portland)

                             

I visited Portland twice in 2018. Once in January, and immediately after in February. During the coldest months here, I fell in love. It was cold, wet, muddy, and the sky was this misty lunar blue at 9:18 pm. I drove around and would fantasize about what my life could look like here. In those very short visits, I'd decided then that Portland would be a place I'd live in. This fantasy motivated me. I imagined myself rushing in the rain wearing a huge coat. A fireplace. Looking outside my window, I’d see nothing but trees. Tree-lined streets. 

There were other places I had considered moving to. Back to San Diego to be closer to my grandmother. To Philly to be close to the East Coast. I just knew that I had to move here. Even if I only knew 2 people, they weren’t really considered friends. 

I had a philosophy professor who told the class, “It’s okay to run away, just make sure that you have a plan,” and that echoed inside me every time I was impatient. So I created a path for myself that I made sure to be really strict about. I wouldn’t run away from anyone. I would be honest with myself about if I was actually ready or not. That I wouldn’t give up on school and just leave. I found these standards nearly impossible to meet in 2020 when I was offered an opportunity to move to Portland and live with two other people. I was unemployed, something beyond broke, and a wee bit manic. I knew I couldn't move at that time, but I really tried to convince myself for a second. 

When that failed, it was back to the drawing board. That’s when I decided to finish school, find a sensible place to live, and get a big girl job. I was starting to trick myself into being content with staying in Arizona. But that summer came and went, reminding me of how miserable that place made me. 

This may sound extra silly goose of me… but… I knew for sure that it was time to leave once I got fired from my big girl job. They made me sign an NDA, gave me a decent severance package, and said that they would approve me to collect unemployment. It gave me all this time to grieve and sit still. The company that shall not be named put me through HELL! The only cure was to sit around and watch scary movies. This is when I took my goals seriously and ran Crybaby Bakery full-time. I experimented with different recipes. Even incorporating savory dishes into the menu. I ADORED being the tamale lady at 25. I can’t thank everyone who purchased from me enough. I was a one-man band in that kitchen. Everything was all me. Every. Thing. That entire experience, while stressful, was absolutely riveting. 

I did events, sold as much of my stuff as I could, and made sure I saw my goal to fruition. 

I knew I was too broke to get a plane ticket, pay for my stay, and afford to Lyft around the city to go apartment hunting. It made sense to just drive there myself. From Portland, Oregon, to my old apartment in Phoenix, it would take me 20 hours and 20-something minutes. I split this up into two days: two days driving, two days in Portland, and two days driving back. Thankfully, I found an apartment worth applying to, and then I got it. 

Unfortunately, getting approved wasn’t easy, and I had to trick the management office into it. (I can talk about how to get approved for apartments when you get paid under the table, if anyone wants.)

Finally, on January 3rd of 2023, I shoved as many of my belongings as I could into an Amazon-sized van and left what I couldn’t in my apartment. I did not give a fuck. I let them charge me for it. I had to leave behind my tamale pots, and that broke me. Actually, leaving all 13 of my plants was the most heartbreaking. Especially since all of you who rehomed them never updated me. Bitches.

I can’t thank Natalie and Hernan enough for what they did for me. They drove that van for me as I drove my stuffed Nissan Sentra with my two dogs. Again, this was January, and the clouds decided it was time for Southern California to get downpoured on. Cars were hydroplaning all around us, and I had a literal meltdown on the road. The next day, the sun was high in the sky, and we set off for another 11 hours. 

The day I was set to move in, we arrived a little above schedule. We stopped at the last rest stop before Portland and watched this creek crash into boulders. Everything was covered in moss, and my dogs went nuts for it. But when the management office opened, and it was time to get my key, they did me absolutely HORRENDEOUS and said I needed to pay an EXTRA $1,000 or I would not get the keys. For this reason, I cannot thank my dear friend Giana enough. 

At this point, I had an apartment, no job, $40, and a dream. 

(And these 2 stinky dogs)

The culture shock came to me immediately. Everyone was driving way slower, throwing up peace signs, and there were more white people than I have ever seen before. Which, to be fair, I knew this, BUT! This was different. Someone got mad at me and said “SO WHY WOULD YOU MOVE TO A WHITE SAFE HAVEN?” That was my warm welcome. 

I lived next to some very popular food trucks. Something I came to learn is a very famous thing in Portland. Food trucks. OF ALL KINDS! So I walked down the street and ordered this chicken kabob plate special that I still think about still to this day. The quality of the produce here is impeccable. There’s something special about the soil here that makes it all good. Even the weed. 

I experienced a lot of anxiety when I first got here because I was all alone and had no idea where I was or what I was doing. For the first time, I was just existing with no real goal in mind other than to live. I cried, because for the first time in my life, not a single person who had hurt me knew where I lived. My abusers had no way of knowing where I was. My stalker couldn’t find me. Miles and time zones separated us. My nightmares of them breaking into my house completely stopped. Pretty much all of my Arizona nightmares stopped. 

It is true, restarting your life and walking around a place where no one knows you can be very healing. But my grief, disabilities, anxieties, trauma, they all moved with me. As the months came and went, my feelings turned from being alone, to lonely. In Arizona, I was NEVER on the dating apps because… why? But here, I have succumbed to those godless, lawless, places because it isn't so easy just trying to meet people organically. In Portland, you have to be pretty connected to know what is going on; it’s a lot harder to find community. To this day, I am not sure I am a part of a community, but I haven’t given up. 

As far as dating goes… Maybe that’s a post for another day. 

I have some really heavy days where the loneliness is unbearable and I think about moving back. But I went through hell to move here. I still have so much I want to do. I want that community. I want to travel all up and down the PNW. I want to say I can go on a hike and not be in terrible pain. (That’s one thing here. Telling people I don’t hike is like punching them in the face. Like, SORRY I AM DISABLED!) 

There are things about me that have changed a lot since moving here. I read more, like floral flavors, go on walks (because the sun isn’t trying to kill me), smoke less (kinda), talk to my family again, got better about my boundaries, the list goes on. 

Healing is a never ending journey. Living here hasn’t always been great. The parking sucks, everything closes early, people say “let’s hangout!” and then never do. They trick you into thinking it’s cheaper because there’s no sales tax but the taxes for everything else is robbery. For the first time in all my adult life, I've had my phone shut off, my wifi shut off, and was worried about eviction and repossession of my car. Girl, I was in the GUTTER! To top it all off, after living alone since 2018, I had to get a roommate this year. I feel like my whole experience here in Portland has been pure survival. Each day, I put one foot in front of the other, and hope I can see the sun the next morning. 

One thing I never take for granted though is the beauty. The weather's highs and lows excite me. It feels like a blessing to see the seasons change. To walk on crunchy leaves, sit in a creek when it’s warm, see snow pile up on a windowsill. The people however… not as beautiful as the people in Arizona and California. 

I know that Portland, Oregon is not my forever home. Portland is just for right now. Maybe one day I'll get so fed up that I'll pack up and start all over again. I made a promise to myself that I'd live my life to the fullest, and I'll keep doing just that. 

Keeping my promise! The winner of the poll was… BANANA BREAD <3

When I ran Crybaby Bakery, it was all vegan, not because I am, but because I wanted everyone to be able to eat it. So here is MY recipe…

3-4 very ripe bananas (if vegan, I recommend 4; with egg, I recommend 3)

⅓ cup of melted butter

¾ cup of sugar

1 large egg (omit if vegan)

1 tsp. vanilla extract 

1 tsp. baking soda 

¼ tsp. nutmeg 

½ tsp. cinnamon 

1.5 cups of flour 

Preheat oven to 350 degrees 

Prepare a loaf pan with either butter, oil, or Pam spray, but I always recommend parchment paper for all baking 

In a mixing bowl, cream together the melted butter and sugar till it is fully incorporated 

Mash the bananas and then add them to the creamed mixture 

Here is where you can add the egg or an extra banana 

Add the vanilla extract 

Mix in the baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, and flour

I like to add a cup of chopped walnuts and stir

Or sometimes… a ½ cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips AND a ½ cup of chopped walnuts if I'm really feeling crazy (or just 1 cup of semi-sweet chips. HAVE FUN!)

Pour batter into pan

Bake for about 40 minutes or until a toothpick comes out clean 

starting over (∩˃o˂∩)

I find music to be a very important part of my daily life and use it as an outlet to express myself. Here’s my Phoenix 2 Portland playlist: 

Track 1) For Granted by Yaeji - I mean… listen to what she’s saying… I listened to this song a lot in 2023 because I kept asking myself the same questions 

Track 2) Who Can I Run To by The Jones Girls - This song reminds me of how I can take care of myself, but who will take care of me? 

Track 3) Seagirl by King Krule ft. Raveena - I saw this song live here. I could write a whole post about that night alone. 

Track 4) Giving Love by Roy Ayers Ubiquity - This is what walking down a tree-lined street feels like when there’s a gap in the clouds and the sun kisses your skin gently with each passing step. 

Track 5) Come to Atlanta by Faye Webster - I listened to her A LOT in 2024 and would put myself in this song. Not many people came to visit me like they said they would. I thought about how I wouldn’t get time with people ever again. 

Track 6) Pick Yourself Up by Nat King Cole and George Shearing - LISTEN! 

Track 7) Under My Umbrella by Margo Guryan - Don’t let anyone tell you that the rain isn’t romantic. Walking shoulder to shoulder with someone under an umbrella. Not speaking because we don’t want to interrupt the music the water is making. Shifting our weight back onto the other, holding each other up. 

Track 8) My Life’s All Right by Shira Small - This song saved me. This song changed me. This song moves me. This song holds a special place in my heart. I made a short video for this song. This song. Please… Listen. 

Track 9) One Day At A Time by Nu:Tone and Lalin St. Juste - The world is changing, and I’m just taking it, one day at a time!!! IT ONE DAY AT A TIME!!! (A fun one for your ears and body) 

Track 10) Nice Boys by TEMPOREX - The first 30 seconds of this song is what plays in your head when you kiss me. Exist next to me. Hold my hand. The rest of the song is who I actually am. 

Track 11) All Quiet on the West Side by Injury Reserve - When I miss Arizona, I put this on. I picture driving around late with the windows down. It’s Tuesday. I just left Bikini Lounge. 

Track 12) I Deserve A Little Bit More by The Grooms - And I do!

Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for waiting. Thank you for baking.

And if you do try out my recipe, please share it with me!

Tell me how it comes out! Overall, thank you! <3

Next up is the story of how I started talking to my parents again and the oatmeal chocolate chip cookie recipes :-) with love, the crybaby