an obituary
“The longest goodbye”
A multimedia simulation of what my healing process has felt like for me as I mourn the childhood I lost and the relationship I ended with my parents, AKA my abusers.
By Yedid Perez
~ a memoir from a disabled hoe ~
I want to set up the scene I tried to create on Saturday night. However, I was 20 minutes late, did everything the day of, and forgot key aspects of my presentation. Like a true ADHD legend, I forgot everything but somehow managed to execute what I was trying to convey looking almost flawless. I used a hot pink table cloth as a symbol of the intimacy I am learning for myself. When I pray using a pink candle I am asking my Santisima to award me back that love I need to give myself. The kind of love that won’t turn me away from looking at myself in the mirror. I forgot my candles but luckily H.ESS saved the day with home smelly decor candles. I had 3 different photos in frames.
The stand-alone frame had a picture of me and my mom on what looked like mother's day. She’s standing over me as I am in front of her. She’s wearing a blank tank top, gold bangles, red lips outlined with brown liner and she’s holding a bouquet of red roses. I am in front of her with the most fuck ass bowl cut I have ever witnessed. Everyone jokingly called me “helmet head” but like….. I didn’t pick the haircut. Anyways, I am wearing a dress that mimics a quilt. She looks unhappy here. I wonder if I had been irritating her because I did a lot. Looking at the picture and if I had to guess our ages I'd say she’s 17 and I am 2.
There was a frame that was gold outlined, as they all honestly were since gold reminds me of my childhood. Gold was the color of our family I'd say. We may have been poor but one thing about us is that there WILL be a gold piece of jewelry on a baby. The two photos that shared the frame together were one of my tia and me on Halloween. I was a witch and she was too. Being a witch was always my favorite costume. My face had been painted green since my mom really liked Wizard of Oz and I spent the whole day going around with my mom to visit family and do events at my preschool. Here I was 4 years old and my tia felt more like my sister since my mom was so young. She had just turned 20 that year. Next to it was a picture of me posing very cutely next to a cactus the first time we came to visit Arizona. Moving there maybe 6 years later changed the entire trajectory of my life.
I baked my vegan oatmeal chocolate chip cookies that I gave out to whoever came to the table and talked to me. I used to doubt myself a lot on everything and especially when it came to considering myself an artist. Art takes many forms and I wanted to showcase as much as I wanted to and that included my ability to bake.
The art I showed:
~My baking
~My poetry
~My photography
~My sex work
~My ability to convey my emotions to others
My goal was to have one use all their senses to experience my work. That included sight, sound, taste, smell, and touch. I was not able to display the playlist but I hope that when you listen you still enjoy the sounds that are paired with the visuals.
I will be adding more context to everything for those of you to care about the "what, why, when, where, and who" because the how is not important. You see how.
The following photos were the two pages that warned the viewers:
I know it says to respect my privacy but I don't really have the luxury of privacy so IDGAF... but in person, not all faces were censored and I wanted to release the photos myself first. I would appreciate it if you do tip me for my art and deep vulnerability but if you can't then please don't let that stop you from enjoying this piece and taking the time out of your day to take a look. Sometimes when people talk about their childhood traumas or just a family memory I started to realize mine was just too intense to really discuss it. It made me bitter so it was validating when my therapist said: "90% of the world has not even experienced half of what you have and that means they don't understand and that's okay." But to those of you who can relate to any or all parts of this then I hold my hand and heart out to you and I hope you can feel that right now.
Page #1
How Can I Tell My Mom and Dad - Lovelites
My parents listened to a lot of oldies, mainly my mom, and I remember closing my eyes and singing these songs like I was having my own concert. We were in the car and this song came on and that's when she told me this. I was old enough to understand what this song means to her. I can even feel myself sitting alone in the dark crying softly trying to hide my fear because every second with this secret counts. Especially, when you just had your quinceanera and your dad is psychically abusive to you and your mom. So what did she do? She lied about many things and refused all pleas and help offered to her to stop the cycle of abuse. Maybe she thought she could do it or wanted to prove them wrong. But I'll never forget the moment after she just had spent hours beating me and making me have a meltdown for the 3rd time that week. At least this time I didn't make an attempt on my life but I wanted to and you looked at me with eyes filled with resentment and said "if I would've known that you were going to be this unhappy then I would've had an abortion" and I replied "exactly" which started the cycle all over again.
Growing up she gas-lighted me so hard but the thing is she was a master manipulator and a damn good one till I started catching her more and more. No one plays the victim as well as my mother. She has forced me to keep A LOT of her secrets. Since she really doesn't understand boundaries and we basically grew up together sometimes she talked to me like we were the same age and she taught me how to lie. I lied for her for far too long that when I finally tried to talk about the truth it was too late. I think like most families, it's easier to pretend like the problems don't exist and at some point, I was the problem (So I was told often.) She didn't have an abortion because she needed me to be her best friend, to help her feel better, and it worked. I did my job for as long as I could. I still love my mom and I added photos of us when we were young because I also grieve for the childhood she couldn't have. But, I am no longer hiding my pain to protect her. Her letter shouldn't be censored.
Page #2
Always on My Mind - Eek-A-Mouse
My dad was pretty cool and also a fucking asshole. His laugh is super contagious and I am still confused about who is the more toxic one here. But, I do feel more for him than I do my mom sometimes. It changes back and forth. His letter is censored because there was more information and specifics that don't need to be added. I think there's enough shown to get what our relationship was like. I still love him as well and just want him to also get the support he deserved. They both deserved better and so did I.
Page #3
You Don't Have To Change - Kool & The Gang
Page #4
Thin Line Between Love and Hate - The Persuaders
Page #5
Always and Forever - Luther Vandross
Page #6
Break Up to Make Up - The Stylistics
I realize now that my mom also has a borderline personality disorder. She splits, she has intense highs and lows in a relationship. She self-sabotages. Y'know all the BPD shit and this song feel like the fights I'd have to watch that still happen to this day.
Page #7
Daddy's Home - Sheep, The Limelites
Page #8
Issues/Hold - Teyana Taylor
She samples "I Do Love You" by GQ which I also grew up listening to but this song does describe how it feels to be in love. But, not really in love. It reminds me of how badly I needed to feel loved as a kid that I desperately searched for the answer to getting it. There isn't an answer to love but the answer to my behavior was daddy issues.
"this is deeper than you and other women, this is daddy issues, this is years of putting up-"
Page #9
Breathing Easy - Her's
this is how I say goodbye
don't crack, sit back
love, grieve, live, breathe
i am breathing easier than i was
Song #10 (for these two transition pages)
Wake Up Alone - Amy Winehouse
Being alone for as long as I have has been expensive and exhausting. I have never truly had an adult or had parental figure support in the way I should've. I have done and will do whatever I have to so that way my dogs eat, get all they want and need, and we have a roof over our heads that they deserve. Supporting me and my art is supporting them.
Page #11
Gemini - Alabama Shakes
(i just realized the #11 also represents twins and this was not planned. this was a sign from my angels)
PTSD is a bitch. Like a BITCH. But, my out-of-body experiences have protected me and I come and rescue myself out of my own nightmares since that's where I get stuck now. I see this exchange as my twins. Eventually, my PTSD granted me the ability to be a lucid dreamer but there is a price to be paid to have control in your dream world. I was able to meet the other part of me when I had my first out-of-body experience and we visit each other now in my dreams. When I would get assaulted in any kind of way I looked for the version of me who had left my body and was watching it from the doorway. They would be standing frozen still since they didn't actually exist, it was just my manifestations for safety. They were trapped at the threshold and would wait eagerly for it to be over with. That was always my view during the assault. So now it has made it easier for me when I see these kinds of memories where they are from my point of view while I am at the doorway. Like if it is from a scene of a movie and not having to handle the first-person POV.
This poem is for the people who know what SA PTSD feels like:
Page #12
Neighborhood Hoe - Three 6 Mafia
Look. People love to tease others for being "hoes" but they're really just trying to cope with the fact that they were shown sex at a very young age. Predators can see it. In the way you dress, the way you speak, and how you react to uncomfortable situations. People who were constantly being sexually abused and objectified growing up have a skewed perspective on sex and pleasure. Mix in there some mental illness and hypersexuality takes over. I wanted to be so submerged in euphoria that I was tricked into thinking this was how you got it. But, I started to get better and better at sex. I thought I could take my power back but I wouldn't be able to do that for free or with just anyone. Sex is work, play, games, pleasure, reproduction, you get it. I realized it would be okay if I had a dick but that was also the problem. I don't have one and was not born with one. My whole life all I wanted to be was a boy. There is a list of reasons why my life would be easier. But, I also love the feelings my body does give me. I like the feeling of having control over my own objectification. Sex sells and I got great assets.
Page #13
Between the Sheets - The Isley Brothers
Page #14
I Found a Reason - The Velvet Underground
Song #15
Cellular - King Krule
Thank you to anyone who has made it this far and took the time to experience both the book and the playlist. Music has always been an important part of my life and it was easier for my family to communicate that way sometimes too. I know this is really personal but this has been a long time coming. Even my parents knew that this was going to happen. So this has been my longest goodbye.
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