In Plain Sight; a horror poem 4 u

In Plain Sight: a horror poem 4 u

evil isn’t foreign to me,

i’ve seen it,

lived in it,

slept with it,

and fell in love with it.

i have felt it burn inside me,

bubbling feelings i couldn’t control,

like a movie that won’t ever end,

i walk along the areas i wish to not be seen,

i appreciate the night,

as it’s darkness guides me,

and i can watch you through a window,

you sleep freely,

since you sleep alone,

and you rub your nose every other hour,

i remember your allergies,

and the dust that collects in the corners,

i see you’re coughing,

i really hope you’re not sick....

will you let me take care of you?

as i whisper a chant over your body,

through a thin layer of glass,

i try to remember your scent,

maybe you won’t notice me,

since i come here often,

so what if i sneaked in?

but only for a second...

i see you removed all the evidence of me....

i love the way your hair tangles on your pillows,

i love the way your house stays dead silent,

how peaceful and relaxing for you,

i thank you,

since you removed the traces of me in your room;

because now,

in this full moon night,

isn’t it convenient?

how time stands still here,

how stale the room already feels,

how there’s a flu running thru you,

isn’t it convenient?

how easy it is to suffocate you.

-Yedid

Maybe it is time for me to just give you what you came for first, and then if you care, you can continue reading... 

I have decided to fire my therapist. Truth be told, I think I know more than her. She doesn't realize how invested I have been in therapy and her advice does not apply to me at all. It is almost like she isn't paying attention and just speaking out of her ass, like how I do when I am really high and realize I was not paying attention because I was busy thinking about how valuable avocados are to me. 

As some of you may know, I have PTSD, and that comes with some serious nightmares. It is as if I am walking through all my traumas and I have to fight my way out. But that is how life feels right now. My landlady is a raging bitch, a slumlord, if you will. I feel as if I am being flushed down a toilet. The state of emergency we're living in is baffling to me. The hardest part is watching the lack of support I have seen from people who are highly capable to assist those in need. Capitalism is an illness. Selfishness is the virus. This lack of community is creeping its way into my brain and dying there. 

My school wants money. My landlord wants money. Carmax wants my money. Even Spotify! My gym? I CAN'T EVEN GO THERE! 

Being mentally ill is already hard enough, but I have been doing what I can to feel better. Honestly, in a way, I am enjoying this despite the struggle to survive. This kind of chaos just feels like I am living in a time capsule. I feel like I can sleep as long as I need to. My body does as it needs. I recently moved into a new place and it is the best place I have ever lived. It's mine. I earned it. My name is stamped to it. It is scary to think I could be homeless again. I feel like my life is being threatened and all I wanna do is prove who I am. I miss the satisfaction of being independent. Being a dancer was so fun, hard and rewarding and all I wanna do is go back. 

I feel like this forced isolation is pushing me to really want to isolate myself from specific people and places. I am always checking in and making sure I am aware of my feelings and actions. Why am I crying right now? Where do I feel pain? How often do I need to drink water? Why does this pain reoccur? What will you do when (redacted) happens again? How will you respect yourself? How will you protect yourself? My questions are always more important than my answers. I notice the concerns I have for myself and others and their levels of importance to me. 

Here are some tips I have during these times:

• When leaving your house: be careful, don't touch your face, don't get too close to others, please... STAY TF HOME
• Support a local business if it is within your finances
• It is okay to ask for help. Bug your landlord, feed your friends, support your community
• If you leave your house, do not let those clothes you wore touch your inside furniture, always change or shower when you return back to your home
• Wash your hands, wash your face, wash your sheets, clean your goddamn house
• Eat rice
• Drink lots of water
• Take as many naps as you need
• Get some kind of fresh air without putting yourself and others at risk
• Reduce your need to leave your home by only getting what you need and everything you need
• Make some kind of schedule for yourself to keep a level of sanity
• Do what feels right and makes you happy
• Notice toxic relationships you have and who you're afraid to ask for help from, who is not helping you/checking in on you, check yourself and your loved ones
• Stretch here and there
• Look at recipes online
• Make a list of ingredients that can go together 
• Don't let your perishables go to waste 
• Ask a friend if you can facetime them 
• Be careful st***ing. They're watching heLLA RN 
• SELF CARE***

Here is my recipe for Chilaquiles:

First, I like to make beans. I like to use frijoles peruanos but pinto is fine too. Soak and clean your beans, take out the bad ones. Have a big pot or dutch oven filled with water and boiling. If you have an electric stove give it a minute, put a lid on it and let it boil. Same with gas stoves but yours will boil sooner so the salt will be needed sooner. 

Put some onions, cilantro and garlic cloves in the pot. Add your beans. Cover with the lid and add water as needed. An hour and a half into boiling, add about a tablespoon of salt. Once your beans are soft, turn off the stove. This can take up to 2 hours. 

Add a generous amount of butter, about two tablespoons, to a pan. Cut up tomatoes and some onions and add them to the pan. Sauté them. Then add some beans to cover the pan. Once all mixed, smash beans and tomatoes with a bean smasher. Season with garlic salt, and some chicken or tomato bouillon. Season to taste. 

Take about 4 tomatoes and grill on a pan. Take a few chilies pasillo-anchos, cut them and take the stems out. (Leave the seeds in if you want it spicy, take them out for only flavor.) You will also char the chilies on the pan with the tomatoes. Next comes the peppers. If you want it spicy, you can use serrano peppers. For a more mild salsa, use jalapenos. Whichever peppers you choose, cut the stems out, take out the seeds, and  char them on the pan. (To find these ingredients at the store: The peppers will be fresh produce and the chilies anchos will be dried in a bag. You can find them in the "Hispanic" food aisle.)

In a smaller pot, add some salt, water and two tomatoes and let it boil. 

Once you are satisfied with the char, put the ingredients into the boiling water, not the chili anchos. Once the tomatoes get soft, turn the burner off, and add the anchos and put the lid on to let it steam in there. Pour out some of the water, but leave enough for blending later. In a blender, add everything from the pot, season, salt, pepper, cilantro, and onions, alllll that. Then blend! Now you have salsa for your chilaquiles and some you can save for later. 

Take some corn tortillas and cut them into 6 pieces. (Or you can use store bought tortilla chips.) In a "good" amount of oil, enough to cover the pan, add the tortillas and remove them once they’re a satisfying texture. Add salt. If you use store bought tortilla chips, heat up your salsa in a pan, add your chips and toss them and coat them until you also reach the desired texture. 

• Optional toppings:
• Avocado
• A fried egg
• Queso fresco or vegan cheese
• Cilantro
• Jalapeno slices
• Sour cream

Please feel free to DM me if this does not make sense to you, email me, ANYTHING! As a Mexican baby, my family sucks at telling me exact measurements so I just feel it out lol and I can see this all in my head. 

Thank you for reading. For caring. For everyone who has helped. However it came, it was appreciated. The more I look into myself, the more I appreciate those around me who do not allow me to fail. Thank you for having my best interest at heart. I love you. 

Things I have done to be O.K.A.Y :)

paint

smoke weed<3

take Epsom salt baths

wear cute clothes

take a bike ride

find new music

up the difficulty on my video games

study for my classes

kiss Squish's forehead

having someone flirt with me

Would anyone like a written letter? A personalized poem? A playlist? Please let me know ^...^

• Here are some mental health tips:
• If you feel afraid to confront someone, or even express your feelings to someone because you are afraid of their reaction, you are being gaslighted. 
• When feeling anger that you feel like you may not be able to control, take a bag of frozen veggies, an ice pack, and a towel to put on your forehead or neck to instantly cool down. This forces your body to cool down because it feels like your body is preparing to dive into water. 
• Keep things that make you happy or feel relaxed accessible to you. Stress balls. A perfume or lotion you like. A scented candle. Stretching. Relaxing your face and hands. 
• If you feel like you are "overreacting," check the facts. What is an actual fact and not an opinion you have? For example... You are upset at your roommate because you asked them to wash their dishes because there is a pan you need to use. You would want your boundaries respected by not feeling obligated to wash it for them, and your time is valuable to you. You return home after being at work all day and you see that the dishes are still there, and now more dishes are in the sink. -You instantly feel angry, your neck hurts, your cheeks feel hot. You notice the feelings that arise in you. You want to yell at them, but is that effective? So we check the facts.
• #1 You asked them to wash their dishes
• #2 You stated your reason and its importance to you
• #3 The dishes are not done
• #4 Now there are more dishes in the sink
• You want to start a confrontation with facts like this because it cannot be argued. It's a good start to a confrontation without feeling like an attack. Let them know how you feel. What it means to you. Give them some reassurance. Tell them things like, "If we can keep the dishes clean, and better our communication, we can have a healthier relationship and a cleaner home and I can be someone you are happy to live with." 
• If your roommate is ignoring you, attacking you, or just trying to fight with you. Be a broken record, keep your self-respect, have a firm voice and stance. 
• Find effective ways, cope-ahead, plan what you wanna say in your head. Write it down, memorize it, and take a break to prepare. 
• Take care of yourself, stop taking people who love you for granted, and call your grandparents. If you feel alone, message me, I feel alone too. 

❤ sending you a soft forehead kiss ❤