Chillona pero Chingona
*just a fair warning, there are triggers in this article*
I have finally brought myself to write a new post. So much has changed in my life that I, myself, could not keep up. My mind has been filled with so many thoughts and feelings and I have not been sure how to manage them. I always think my life will be different than what it currently is. I realize that this year has been full of me just adjusting to all these changes around me.
I have finally completed a full year of DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy)! It was a roller coaster and although I still struggle with wanting to be ineffective, I am way more aware of the person I am and the things that I want or feel. It has been over two months now that I have not cut myself and although that sounds small, it is a big deal to me. I have spent so much of my life trying to find new ways to hurt myself that stopping at least one of those things feels like a great accomplishment. My year in therapy was rough. I was going through so much already and trying to learn how to be a decent person felt almost impossible. I kept getting my feelings hurt by everyone around me. They didn’t have the same skills or knowledge that I did about my mental health; I knew when I was being manipulated and all I wanted to do was control it. At some point, I was compromising myself for almost everyone I liked or enjoyed being around. I grew hyper-aware of myself, and it almost felt dangerous. I knew what I wanted, I knew how to get it, and I would stop at nothing to make sure I was not humiliated. But the joy now is that in May, I will return to therapy to start trauma work and try to reduce my PTSD symptoms. I would like to stop the vivid nightmares that kick start my day, and be able to control my flashbacks and emotions a little more.
Through DBT I learned a little more about the person I am. A big part of my life was just my mental health. It consumed so much of my mind that I could not help that it became apart of my identity. Now I try to do more and more stuff to get my sense of self back. I wanna find more and more things I personally enjoy that isn’t influenced by someone I love.
Things I enjoy:
Lately, I have been reflecting on my love life and the question “Am I asking for too much?” I have let others lead me to believe that I am asking for too much when I don’t ever think I am. When I was in DBT one of my therapists asked me to write two lists:
1. Things I will NOT tolerate in a romantic relationship
2. Things that are important to me in a romantic relationship
I turned to my Instagram followers for validation and to genuinely ask what everyone else wanted and what their standard of love was. Here were the results in order:
These were all so cute and so honest. I appreciate every single one of you who took your time to respond. I am so happy to know that all of you had set a standard for yourselves, and truthfully I think everyone just asked for the bare minimum. I appreciate all the lax replies too.
This was my list and it’s not anything out of the ordinary from what everyone shared. Now I have tried more and more to live by these lists because I realized I respect myself more when I accept the attention I deserve. Lately, I lost some respect for myself because I allowed myself to make excuses for being hurt repeatedly. In every relationship I’ve had, I have been cheated on. I feel like I’m some sort of test to people who are on their way to happiness and they need to ruin my peace in order to pass. In this process, I developed toxic defense mechanisms. I was being abused and taken for granted so often and each time I grew more and more humiliated. In my head, if I played into the “crazy girlfriend stereotype” then it was some kind of “eye for an eye” and both of our behaviors would be excused. I hit a point where I kept getting cheated on, and I wanted to get even. I had this big plan in my head that would save my ego, and somewhere in all that, I lost myself. There I was: lonely, bruised up, and unloved by the person I loved. I made myself look like an idiot, only to lose respect in the woman I once was.
But as of recently, I have had to pick myself up without any apology or explanation. I pride myself on my own growth. I give no credit to any of my struggles. I give credit to my strength and ability to always be vulnerable and get help. A lot of people in my life have taken advantage of the fact that I am so open and honest about my vulnerabilities, and now I just refuse to let anyone hold them against me.
Last week I was walking Squish and I met this homeless man and his service dog. He told me the reason he is homeless is because of his mental health and he has no family. This broke my heart because he was so honest about being suicidal and I felt like I was meant to talk to him. Since I was about 11 years old I started being suicidal and it consumed so much of my youth that now as an adult I forgot that I needed a plan to live, not a plan to die. He told me how his girlfriend continues to disappear and do drugs and he wants nothing more than for them to get help and for her to get off drugs. This struck a nerve because it reminded me of a meltdown I had: It was the middle of the night. I had no shoes on. I was walking around Van Buren looking for fucking heroin because I wanted to give up on myself. I had to snap myself out of it because I kept putting myself and others in more and more danger.
I never did anything to myself that night or have done any drugs like that, and later on, I admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital for help.
I realized that the older I get, the easier it can be to ruin my life or just end it. This realization was so terrifying to me, and after that night I have tried very hard not to get to that point again. I have tried to give myself so much love so that I never have the thought again to give up on myself. I understand how serious and scary my actions are and I hope my mind never beats me in this game we play. I also realize that I am not the only one with a serious mental health diagnosis. I have always felt like I needed to shame myself for this, but I’d rather share my experience to not only help myself but to help validate someone else looking for help as well.
Someone recently asked me “Where did you get all this new confidence?” and to be honest, I have always known that I am that bitch. I just spent so long letting others take advantage of me that I started to doubt myself. I told my therapist once “I know that I am great.” Then she replied “Yes. But there is a difference between knowing you are great and feeling you are great.” And for a long time, I did not feel great. I only knew I was great, and I was making myself smaller for others. Now I both know and feel great. My body is my own. People do not belong to people. Love that I receive will be whatever I make of it. I have been taking care of myself for a long time now and I have so much to be proud of.
This year I plan to do more with my art and creativity. I need to distribute my time more wisely, and with school coming to an end, I am actually mad excited for this summer. I want to make big moves outside of work and school.
Currently, I feel really good. I don’t feel as if I am carrying any burden with me. I am accepting my life and situations for what they are: lessons. I don’t think I need some kind of redemption to feel validated for my struggles. But I am healing and I still regret nothing. I know at heart that my soul is good, and I forgive myself for all my bad habits and bad reactions because that bitch is in my past.
I need to stop putting things off and be more responsible. I have some short term goals I want to work on and I am ready to make them accomplishments. I will no longer take less than what I deserve, and that includes the way I treat myself.
I wrote this poem, and I kept trying to change the ending… but I think it’s finished. Cheers to another untitled poem.
I just wanna know that I’m not sleepwalking,
Hiding in the shadows of your fears,
Or biting my tongue to give your ears a break,
What will you do for freedom?
Glimmering now are my scars,
Like rubber marks on a pavement,
Patch up my bandages too,
My hair now is a thin layer of hope,
Gather around to see the disease,
My teeth have hallowed from screaming,
When will my superpower reveal itself?
Hovering with the clouds,
Still unable to play God,
Her hands are oceans that kill plants,
I am intimidating my own reflection,
Maybe I am scared of the woman I’ve become,
Perplexed by the lovers she shares her dreams with,
Mistaking a warning sign as kindness,
Her feet have been hallowed by deception,
Carrying the burdens of her love,
And her lovers,
And her curiosity that has been locked in a box,
Yes,
I will shrink myself for you,
Yes,
I will change myself for you,
Yes,
I will lower my voice for you,
Yes,
I will kill myself for you,
Infections no longer riddle our bones,
But convince our minds we are unworthy,
My loneliness has lied to me,
Mislead from my own desires,
Sitting atop a citrus tree,
And all i can think about is jumping.
Glossy lips,
Bruises,
And with the confidence of a warrior,
We are carrying ourselves out of abandonment,
Tell the boy I love to take a rain check,
I am no longer taking a back seat.
P.s. I love when you guys give me feedback or tell me your new favorite things to listen to/watch/eat. Soon I am going to try to recreate my yaya’s homemade mole recipe and like… would y’all be down to read about that? Or y’all cool with me being a sad bitch? I also feel like writing love letters for my readers so email me your secrets to aambriz.97@gmail.com
I have finally brought myself to write a new post. So much has changed in my life that I, myself, could not keep up. My mind has been filled with so many thoughts and feelings and I have not been sure how to manage them. I always think my life will be different than what it currently is. I realize that this year has been full of me just adjusting to all these changes around me.
I have finally completed a full year of DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy)! It was a roller coaster and although I still struggle with wanting to be ineffective, I am way more aware of the person I am and the things that I want or feel. It has been over two months now that I have not cut myself and although that sounds small, it is a big deal to me. I have spent so much of my life trying to find new ways to hurt myself that stopping at least one of those things feels like a great accomplishment. My year in therapy was rough. I was going through so much already and trying to learn how to be a decent person felt almost impossible. I kept getting my feelings hurt by everyone around me. They didn’t have the same skills or knowledge that I did about my mental health; I knew when I was being manipulated and all I wanted to do was control it. At some point, I was compromising myself for almost everyone I liked or enjoyed being around. I grew hyper-aware of myself, and it almost felt dangerous. I knew what I wanted, I knew how to get it, and I would stop at nothing to make sure I was not humiliated. But the joy now is that in May, I will return to therapy to start trauma work and try to reduce my PTSD symptoms. I would like to stop the vivid nightmares that kick start my day, and be able to control my flashbacks and emotions a little more.
Through DBT I learned a little more about the person I am. A big part of my life was just my mental health. It consumed so much of my mind that I could not help that it became apart of my identity. Now I try to do more and more stuff to get my sense of self back. I wanna find more and more things I personally enjoy that isn’t influenced by someone I love.
Things I enjoy:
- Cooking for others and they actually enjoy it too
- Doing anything with my friends (I really love hanging out with my friends)
- Reorganizing my room
- Giving and receiving gifts
- Kissing!!!!
- Taking lil videos of something beautiful out of my day
- Lists
Lately, I have been reflecting on my love life and the question “Am I asking for too much?” I have let others lead me to believe that I am asking for too much when I don’t ever think I am. When I was in DBT one of my therapists asked me to write two lists:
1. Things I will NOT tolerate in a romantic relationship
2. Things that are important to me in a romantic relationship
I turned to my Instagram followers for validation and to genuinely ask what everyone else wanted and what their standard of love was. Here were the results in order:
- Patience
- Sense of humor
- Selflessness
- In touch with emotions
- Communication
- Able to communicate in a stressful situation
- Honesty
- Passion
- “Fat wagon” LMAO
- Someone who is independent but accepts help
- Loyalty
- Understanding
- Equality
- Vulnerability
- Faithfulness
- No toxic masculinity
- No racism, homophobia, etc.
- That their feelings are valued and validated
- Comfort
- Protection
- Gentleness/nice
- Fun and responsible
- Loving
- Courage
- Open-mindedness
- Hopes/aspirations
- How they spend their money and time is important
- How they treat people and animals
- Stability
- Dependable
- Good personality
- “I try not to have expectations. As long as they’re open to how I am the rest kind of works itself out”
- Respect
- Trust
- “I really want to try having a real gf:(“
These were all so cute and so honest. I appreciate every single one of you who took your time to respond. I am so happy to know that all of you had set a standard for yourselves, and truthfully I think everyone just asked for the bare minimum. I appreciate all the lax replies too.
This was my list and it’s not anything out of the ordinary from what everyone shared. Now I have tried more and more to live by these lists because I realized I respect myself more when I accept the attention I deserve. Lately, I lost some respect for myself because I allowed myself to make excuses for being hurt repeatedly. In every relationship I’ve had, I have been cheated on. I feel like I’m some sort of test to people who are on their way to happiness and they need to ruin my peace in order to pass. In this process, I developed toxic defense mechanisms. I was being abused and taken for granted so often and each time I grew more and more humiliated. In my head, if I played into the “crazy girlfriend stereotype” then it was some kind of “eye for an eye” and both of our behaviors would be excused. I hit a point where I kept getting cheated on, and I wanted to get even. I had this big plan in my head that would save my ego, and somewhere in all that, I lost myself. There I was: lonely, bruised up, and unloved by the person I loved. I made myself look like an idiot, only to lose respect in the woman I once was.
But as of recently, I have had to pick myself up without any apology or explanation. I pride myself on my own growth. I give no credit to any of my struggles. I give credit to my strength and ability to always be vulnerable and get help. A lot of people in my life have taken advantage of the fact that I am so open and honest about my vulnerabilities, and now I just refuse to let anyone hold them against me.
Last week I was walking Squish and I met this homeless man and his service dog. He told me the reason he is homeless is because of his mental health and he has no family. This broke my heart because he was so honest about being suicidal and I felt like I was meant to talk to him. Since I was about 11 years old I started being suicidal and it consumed so much of my youth that now as an adult I forgot that I needed a plan to live, not a plan to die. He told me how his girlfriend continues to disappear and do drugs and he wants nothing more than for them to get help and for her to get off drugs. This struck a nerve because it reminded me of a meltdown I had: It was the middle of the night. I had no shoes on. I was walking around Van Buren looking for fucking heroin because I wanted to give up on myself. I had to snap myself out of it because I kept putting myself and others in more and more danger.
I never did anything to myself that night or have done any drugs like that, and later on, I admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital for help.
I realized that the older I get, the easier it can be to ruin my life or just end it. This realization was so terrifying to me, and after that night I have tried very hard not to get to that point again. I have tried to give myself so much love so that I never have the thought again to give up on myself. I understand how serious and scary my actions are and I hope my mind never beats me in this game we play. I also realize that I am not the only one with a serious mental health diagnosis. I have always felt like I needed to shame myself for this, but I’d rather share my experience to not only help myself but to help validate someone else looking for help as well.
Someone recently asked me “Where did you get all this new confidence?” and to be honest, I have always known that I am that bitch. I just spent so long letting others take advantage of me that I started to doubt myself. I told my therapist once “I know that I am great.” Then she replied “Yes. But there is a difference between knowing you are great and feeling you are great.” And for a long time, I did not feel great. I only knew I was great, and I was making myself smaller for others. Now I both know and feel great. My body is my own. People do not belong to people. Love that I receive will be whatever I make of it. I have been taking care of myself for a long time now and I have so much to be proud of.
This year I plan to do more with my art and creativity. I need to distribute my time more wisely, and with school coming to an end, I am actually mad excited for this summer. I want to make big moves outside of work and school.
Currently, I feel really good. I don’t feel as if I am carrying any burden with me. I am accepting my life and situations for what they are: lessons. I don’t think I need some kind of redemption to feel validated for my struggles. But I am healing and I still regret nothing. I know at heart that my soul is good, and I forgive myself for all my bad habits and bad reactions because that bitch is in my past.
I need to stop putting things off and be more responsible. I have some short term goals I want to work on and I am ready to make them accomplishments. I will no longer take less than what I deserve, and that includes the way I treat myself.
I wrote this poem, and I kept trying to change the ending… but I think it’s finished. Cheers to another untitled poem.
I just wanna know that I’m not sleepwalking,
Hiding in the shadows of your fears,
Or biting my tongue to give your ears a break,
What will you do for freedom?
Glimmering now are my scars,
Like rubber marks on a pavement,
Patch up my bandages too,
My hair now is a thin layer of hope,
Gather around to see the disease,
My teeth have hallowed from screaming,
When will my superpower reveal itself?
Hovering with the clouds,
Still unable to play God,
Her hands are oceans that kill plants,
I am intimidating my own reflection,
Maybe I am scared of the woman I’ve become,
Perplexed by the lovers she shares her dreams with,
Mistaking a warning sign as kindness,
Her feet have been hallowed by deception,
Carrying the burdens of her love,
And her lovers,
And her curiosity that has been locked in a box,
Yes,
I will shrink myself for you,
Yes,
I will change myself for you,
Yes,
I will lower my voice for you,
Yes,
I will kill myself for you,
Infections no longer riddle our bones,
But convince our minds we are unworthy,
My loneliness has lied to me,
Mislead from my own desires,
Sitting atop a citrus tree,
And all i can think about is jumping.
Glossy lips,
Bruises,
And with the confidence of a warrior,
We are carrying ourselves out of abandonment,
Tell the boy I love to take a rain check,
I am no longer taking a back seat.
P.s. I love when you guys give me feedback or tell me your new favorite things to listen to/watch/eat. Soon I am going to try to recreate my yaya’s homemade mole recipe and like… would y’all be down to read about that? Or y’all cool with me being a sad bitch? I also feel like writing love letters for my readers so email me your secrets to aambriz.97@gmail.com
You're judgmental af and have no respect for others opinions. Everything is about me me me.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry... who am i being judgmental to in this? This blog is basically a public journal. This blog is MINE. If you feel like it is about me, it’s because it IS. My email is clearly posted on there and you can personally email me if you have an issue or need to air out some grievances. You can say it with your chest off anonymous.
ReplyDelete