Brittle Bones

The things I never thought I’d tell you,
As I laid in bed holding myself after every nightmare,
When I found your Christmas card,
Even a lock of your hair traveled with me to my new home.
Nothing ever really felt like home,
And nothing ever could feel like you,
But eventually, my hair grew longer,
And my patience grew shorter,
I walked a little different in October,
And cheap beer was nothing but champagne to my worries,
I decided it was time to be honest to my therapist and tell him I missed you,
I decided it was time to be honest with myself and tell myself I hate you,
Overall,
It was time I looked in a mirror,
Sober,
Drunk,
Or even somewhere in between the two,
There I was looking for something that didn’t scare me,
Searching for support when all I found was shame,
I might just be every monster I’ve ever read about,
Hiding from the promises I’ve made to myself,
I closed my eyes at the first sign of romance,
I stopped looking for you in other people,
Because you were still just an extension of myself,
I picked up the pieces of my personality I discarded for sex,
Put them back in their place,
Decided I was better than frail lace and box wine,
My arms were no longer a hotel,
I realized my teeth could actually smile,
I realized my teeth mimicked porcelain,
I no longer danced in your shadow,
I danced with my success,
Happiness wasn’t my friend,
She was the girl I kissed in a bathroom,
My wings weren’t trimmed,
They were tucked in a stolen tube top,
Freedom didn’t come with lying anymore,
It came with ignoring men at the bar,
So when it was 3am,
I was a little drunk in bed,
I rolled over to tell you goodnight,
But all I was faced with was regret,
Tomorrow morning I’ll call you,
I’ll finally tell you all the things I never thought I would,
I’ll tell you to come back home



I was unsure about how to start this post, so I decided to start with a poem. I wrote on a day when I was not feeling the best, but good things still happened.



Two weeks ago on a Monday a couple of friends and I went skateboarding at the Wedge and while I was going down a ramp, my board slid out from under me, and I fractured my ankle in two places. The following day I found out my body does not take too kindly to Vicodin, and I spent an entire week of doing nothing but vomiting. I couldn't drink water, couldn't hold anything down; I was completely miserable and still had a broken ankle. This last Monday I had surgery to place two screws in my ankle, and although surgery has been one of my biggest fears, I think everything leading up to it went really well. I wasn't as anxious as I thought I would be but waking up from surgery was downright awful. I woke up in a panic filled with tears. I was so scared and in so much pain. It was like waking up after you've just been murdered. I am so grateful for the people who came to see me after I woke up because that day was one of the worst and best days of my life. So now I am going on my third week of just sitting in bed and this shit is getting boring. I get bored of looking at my phone. I am getting bored of people telling me they are going to visit me and don't. I am bored of watching tv. I am getting bored of being so bored that I fall asleep. There have been a handful of people who have been so helpful to me and have shown me how much they care.



Capitalism is such a shitty construct that I actually miss working. I won't be able to work for maybe another five weeks, so there goes me buying my loved ones nice Christmas gifts. I am literally living on my last few dollars. The day I broke my ankle I was supposed to start at this new coffee shop that opened and I was so excited. It was going to be my third job and I was planning to work my ass off for the holidays, and for myself. On top of it all, I am still a student and I have not had the strength to make it to my classes, which is starting to affect my grades. For the first time ever, I am going to withdraw from a class to make sure my GPA is not affected. I literally cried about this because I am a very proud person when it comes to my education. I push myself a lot and me breaking my ankle has already done so much to my life.



I am also trying to keep a hold on my mental health. I have done a lot to stay on top of my sanity but when you suffer from physical pain, declining mental health usually follows. My therapist called me to ask me how I am feeling but he actually asked me if I had any suicidal thoughts. Which I really don't. I just miss walking. I started to fall madly in love with my independence and I feel as if it’s been stripped away from me. But at the same time, a couple months back I was overwhelmed with school, work, life, and myself that I just wanted to take a pause on life. I just didn't think it would come like this. I will say: some days are harder than others. It's not fun not being able to do anything I could two weeks ago.



Breaking my ankle has also brought some good things into my life. I started to realize who actually cared for me, and it made me feel so lucky. I have love back in my life.



I am super excited to go back to school next week, but until then, I hope some of you can comment or message me things you like to watch/do. Send me skating videos, YouTube videos you enjoy, your favorite songs, websites where you get your manga from, tell me what TV shows to binge watch, tell me why you hate going to visit your family on Thanksgiving. ALL OF THAT!



Fuck Christopher Columbus.



I hope you enjoyed yet another untitled poem.