The Thing About Love, and Saying No
There is something that has been on my mind lately and that's being in love, and dating. Because I believe those are two different concepts. I can't really speak for anyone else, and I am no expert to be giving any advice. All I know is myself, what I enjoy, what I crave, and what makes me happiest. I think I want to really talk about what love means to me, and how dating should go in my eyes.
I'd like to start by saying that I think it is super annoying when someone asks me to "hang out" and I agree because we're just hanging out, right? Then twenty minutes into our "hang out" they try to make some kind of move. NO! I didn’t sign up for a date, I signed up to make a friend. There is a big difference. I do not care what kind of impression the "hang out" had on you, ASK FOR CONSENT! Or just ask me out on a fucking date like an adult and maybe I'll say yes and then maybe you can feel like it is appropriate to make a move. I recently "hung out" with this man who is 27, and his age is relevant because he is not only six years older than me, but a full-on established adult. I had to tell this man "No" on three different accounts. THREE! I should've bolted out the front door by the second, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, let me tell you. Never have I ever felt more empowered and more in control of my own body. I was at the door of my car as this guy followed me out apologizing and had the nerve to ask me for a hug. You bet I got my ass into my car, told him "No" for the last time and as I was driving off I blocked him on everything that I possibly could. The younger version of myself would've been frozen and maybe this post would've been about something different.
The point is to not do anything you don't want to do because you don't have to do anything you don't want to. I recently started believing this and my life has changed immensely.
I was talking to someone about love lately because it is something that excites me. I believe I have experienced love in different ways, and my therapist also thinks I haven't quite grasped the whole picture of it yet and I think he is right. I know overall what love feels like, it feels like coming home to Squish, knowing my parents are safe, and that feeling I get when someone I like hugs me really closely. I know these are all completely different types of love but they're all so beautiful. I don't think I could ever give up that feeling. The feeling of love is a high on its own. The idea of romance to me is so intriguing. It's like drinking wine that sat in a barrel of silk for ten months in a vineyard outside of Napa Valley.
I am a hopeless romantic and it's one of my weaknesses. A lot of the art I express through poetry was inspired by my mixed emotions with intimacy. I feel as if I am in a constant dance with love. The feeling of someone kissing me is absolutely magnificent. I can't say every relationship I've had felt like this. Most times it felt like absolute fear. It made my trust issues look like kidney stones. Sometimes love felt like getting two black eyes. Every time I ever felt like I fell in love I can't say it ever felt like anytime before. But, all I know is how I imagine what unconditional love feels like. I imagine it feels like security and warmth. I don't imagine it to be some fairytale but for love to be compassionate and patient. I once told someone I think love is me giving them everything I possibly could just to get it from them in return. A relationship should be full of effort and reciprocated love. I wrote this list of all the things that are important to me in a relationship and all the things I will not stand for. I think about them when I think about love or the potential of it. They range from having a constant supply of affection to I will not tolerate a deliberate act to manipulate me or when something is done with the intent to hurt me.
But there are so many other loves I want to explore. The love of skating a drained swimming pool, rollerskating while tippsy, making a tres leches pastel on my own, mastering my yaya's birria recipe, and watching Squish grow up. I love where I am at with myself. I made a decision recently with my health that made me feel so strong. I have to remind myself that no one knows me like myself, so no one should love me the way I must love myself. I am excited for tomorrow, and every day after. I can't wait to start my healthy relationship with myself.
(P.s. I think the best love stories are when friends get together and make amaizng lovers.)
I'd like to start by saying that I think it is super annoying when someone asks me to "hang out" and I agree because we're just hanging out, right? Then twenty minutes into our "hang out" they try to make some kind of move. NO! I didn’t sign up for a date, I signed up to make a friend. There is a big difference. I do not care what kind of impression the "hang out" had on you, ASK FOR CONSENT! Or just ask me out on a fucking date like an adult and maybe I'll say yes and then maybe you can feel like it is appropriate to make a move. I recently "hung out" with this man who is 27, and his age is relevant because he is not only six years older than me, but a full-on established adult. I had to tell this man "No" on three different accounts. THREE! I should've bolted out the front door by the second, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. But, let me tell you. Never have I ever felt more empowered and more in control of my own body. I was at the door of my car as this guy followed me out apologizing and had the nerve to ask me for a hug. You bet I got my ass into my car, told him "No" for the last time and as I was driving off I blocked him on everything that I possibly could. The younger version of myself would've been frozen and maybe this post would've been about something different.
The point is to not do anything you don't want to do because you don't have to do anything you don't want to. I recently started believing this and my life has changed immensely.
I was talking to someone about love lately because it is something that excites me. I believe I have experienced love in different ways, and my therapist also thinks I haven't quite grasped the whole picture of it yet and I think he is right. I know overall what love feels like, it feels like coming home to Squish, knowing my parents are safe, and that feeling I get when someone I like hugs me really closely. I know these are all completely different types of love but they're all so beautiful. I don't think I could ever give up that feeling. The feeling of love is a high on its own. The idea of romance to me is so intriguing. It's like drinking wine that sat in a barrel of silk for ten months in a vineyard outside of Napa Valley.
I am a hopeless romantic and it's one of my weaknesses. A lot of the art I express through poetry was inspired by my mixed emotions with intimacy. I feel as if I am in a constant dance with love. The feeling of someone kissing me is absolutely magnificent. I can't say every relationship I've had felt like this. Most times it felt like absolute fear. It made my trust issues look like kidney stones. Sometimes love felt like getting two black eyes. Every time I ever felt like I fell in love I can't say it ever felt like anytime before. But, all I know is how I imagine what unconditional love feels like. I imagine it feels like security and warmth. I don't imagine it to be some fairytale but for love to be compassionate and patient. I once told someone I think love is me giving them everything I possibly could just to get it from them in return. A relationship should be full of effort and reciprocated love. I wrote this list of all the things that are important to me in a relationship and all the things I will not stand for. I think about them when I think about love or the potential of it. They range from having a constant supply of affection to I will not tolerate a deliberate act to manipulate me or when something is done with the intent to hurt me.
But there are so many other loves I want to explore. The love of skating a drained swimming pool, rollerskating while tippsy, making a tres leches pastel on my own, mastering my yaya's birria recipe, and watching Squish grow up. I love where I am at with myself. I made a decision recently with my health that made me feel so strong. I have to remind myself that no one knows me like myself, so no one should love me the way I must love myself. I am excited for tomorrow, and every day after. I can't wait to start my healthy relationship with myself.
(P.s. I think the best love stories are when friends get together and make amaizng lovers.)
Fuck yeah, this is awesome
ReplyDeleteThank you so much! (,:
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