Fighting the Fear of Loneliness
A lot of things have changed in my life. School started and I took on an extra class to get this process going. I have had to relocate which has been terribly difficult for me and I also removed people out of my life abruptly. I never thought I feared loneliness until maybe now.
My therapist asked me if I have a fear of being alone and I asked myself this all the time because I honestly don't know.
I do a lot of things alone, and I try to spend a good portion of my day alone. I grocery shop, and shop in general alone. I can walk into a restaurant and say "for one" or I politely sit at the bar alone. I've been able to do this calmly without angst for over three years now. I even went to FYF in 2017 all alone. (I saw fucking Frank Ocean LIVE!) I have to admit the first day I just sat and realized I wanted to talk to someone, so I did. If I don't want to be alone then I change it, and if I want to be alone, I change that too. But lately, I feel as if I have no choice and loneliness is out to get me.
Now when I make plans with friends they never fall through for many reasons. When I text people it is either them or me who can't respond. When I want a human connection I can never get it. This is the part that I fear, I fear to have no control. But also my anxiety has made me feel like a burden to my friends and family. I really hate asking people to hang out with me because I am always ready to cancel them. I would kill for someone to want to make plans with me and everything actually goes well.
I am in an interesting place again in my life. I did not leave my bed until 4:00 pm. I was asleep for most of that time. I know that this is what my depression looks like. I sleep with about ten blankets on the bed. Some clothes, a belt, and maybe a water bottle or two. That's me being modest. I am just waiting for the manic episode to start so I can actually do something about it.
I know a lot of things are still changing that I am excited for and I am only 21. I know I will be faced with this again but I just hope I know what the fuck to do.
I just need 23 days to start creating good habits. What I need to start doing now is to stop letting terrible people into my life and do whatever the fuck they want.
For now, I'll face loneliness but later I can't be surprised if I shave my head.
My therapist asked me if I have a fear of being alone and I asked myself this all the time because I honestly don't know.
I do a lot of things alone, and I try to spend a good portion of my day alone. I grocery shop, and shop in general alone. I can walk into a restaurant and say "for one" or I politely sit at the bar alone. I've been able to do this calmly without angst for over three years now. I even went to FYF in 2017 all alone. (I saw fucking Frank Ocean LIVE!) I have to admit the first day I just sat and realized I wanted to talk to someone, so I did. If I don't want to be alone then I change it, and if I want to be alone, I change that too. But lately, I feel as if I have no choice and loneliness is out to get me.
Now when I make plans with friends they never fall through for many reasons. When I text people it is either them or me who can't respond. When I want a human connection I can never get it. This is the part that I fear, I fear to have no control. But also my anxiety has made me feel like a burden to my friends and family. I really hate asking people to hang out with me because I am always ready to cancel them. I would kill for someone to want to make plans with me and everything actually goes well.
I am in an interesting place again in my life. I did not leave my bed until 4:00 pm. I was asleep for most of that time. I know that this is what my depression looks like. I sleep with about ten blankets on the bed. Some clothes, a belt, and maybe a water bottle or two. That's me being modest. I am just waiting for the manic episode to start so I can actually do something about it.
I know a lot of things are still changing that I am excited for and I am only 21. I know I will be faced with this again but I just hope I know what the fuck to do.
I just need 23 days to start creating good habits. What I need to start doing now is to stop letting terrible people into my life and do whatever the fuck they want.
For now, I'll face loneliness but later I can't be surprised if I shave my head.
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