Me vs My mental health

*Warning* There will be sensitive content in this blog that could be very triggering. Please read at your own risk.

I can't imagine what it must feel like to be my lover or even my mother for that fact. I imagine it as a never-ending burden or watching yourself die in a mirror. Sure, I know this will sound super dramatic but these are the things that keep me up at night. 

Honestly, I find myself so exhausted of my own behavior and anxiety that I can see why anyone would choose to distance themselves from me. Then my abandonment issues hit me like a motherfucker. Shit can get rough out here when you trust absolutely no one because anytime you have, you've gotten your shit ROCKED! I know I am not alone on this feeling because 90% of people I've met have daddy issues. 

I am so comfortable with despair, it is really all I have ever known. I find myself randomly crying even when I have just had a good day. All of a sudden I get a flashback or something triggers me and I start all over again. I feel like this is my truth. It's like fighting a war with my own mind. I don't think anything scares me more than my own mind actually. Except maybe going upside down on a rollercoaster. But I never even know what it is going to do next. Make me cut my bangs at 3am? Make me drive 110mph for fun? Lock myself in a bathroom for two hours screaming at nothing but the fucking four corners I have trapped myself in? But those are the easiest things I have faced with my mental illness. 

When I was in middle school I started what my therapist calls "ineffective behavior" which is a less triggering way of just saying that I self-harm. I was so addicted to hurting myself when I was still living with my parents. It gave me a different sense of pain, I was able to express how fucking miserable I felt, It was there. Infront of me to where I could actually see the physical version of my misery. It was like exploding for me, I would just burst one day and that was always the outcome. People with bpd always have these ineffective behaviors that always escalate to more. Suicide, alcoholism, addiction, and packing up all your belongings in the middle of the night, leaving your debit card and cellphone, then ending it by changing your name and running the fuck away. I feel like an actual ticking time bomb every day. 

I understand how intense I am and how overly emotional I am. Having bpd means that I feel every emotion 100x more than necessary. Everything fucking upsets it. Lack of sleep, pmsing, bad dietary habits, lack of social interactions, and even lack of alone time. I started going to therapy again and now I do DBT therapy, which was created by Marsha Linehan, a badass woman with bpd. She spent an entire year in and out of psychiatric hospitals and then went back to school for phycology and basically wrote books and started a therapy about what worked for her. In DBT we have what we call "reasonable mind" and "emotion mind" and a good balance of the two is called "wise mind" but just know that my life is ran by emotion mind. I solely act and react with my emotions. Then I enter my "freeze, fight, or flight" and it is usually all three that happens but not necessarily in that order. 

I know that this will never go away and maybe just one day I will be able to use all the skills I've learned to create effective behaviors. 

The motto for dbt is "learning to accept a life you don't even want to live."

Lately, I have been really overwhelmed and I keep bottling up all that I am feeling. I am scared I am going to lose my job because all I ever want to do is take a mental health day, and I can't. I am scared of everything right now. I feel so unimportant to people I love dearly. I always have to remind myself that because I am overly affectionate and passionate for others that they don't need to necessarily be that for me as well. 

This shit is exhuasting but yet it is 2am and I can't sleep.